Today it has been 10 months. That's ten months, 43 weeks, 303 days, 7272 hours without Mason. As I woke up today, like every day, Mason was first on my mind. Here lately I have been struggling with so many different emotions. I want him back here with us. I want to see him walking, talking and exploring his world. Hearing him laugh and being the center of our world. I miss holding him and feeling his little arms around my neck. Oh what I would do to have all that back.
My anger comes in waves and today it's full force. I believe in God and know Mason is there with him, but I'm so angry at God for that. I know it's wrong to be angry at God and not to ask why but today I just don't understand anything. The why's just fill my days and I will never get the answer until I face God one day. My heart breaks every second of everyday. Why would God allow that? God gave us this beautiful angel and then why would he take him back.
The day Mason was born was so amazing and seeing and holding him for the first time and falling completely in love at first sight. I was just in awe of this beautiful baby God blessed us with. I was planning a lifetime of memories and imaging all the wonderful things he would do. How could God just crush those that September morning and send me and my families world upside down. Didn't he know how much we love Mason and how he was so very important to us? Didn't he see the plans we all made for Mason. Didn't he see how crushed and devastated we would be without Mason.
It isn't fair and as I go about my day, I'm filled with anger today. Each day I seem to feel different emotions. I see other babies and I can picture Mason doing everything that they are. 10 months and people say well you need to get better and move on. No, I don't. No matter how long it will be, grieving Mason is a life long process. It will be with me every day that I live. I won't get better til I see and hold Mason again. I love him forever.
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you .
I love you, I love you, I love you.