Happy 6th Birthday

Hard to believe you will be 6 in just a few days. My mind and heart are just all over the place. I have been doing a lot of thinking and spending time alone lately. Wish I could say I was better at forgiving but unfortunately I'm not. I still hold a lot of anger at God and the one responsible for why you aren't here. I'm a work in progress everyday. Some days better than others. Grief doesn't get better , you just learn to live with it and move around it differently . Gigi loves you so much and everything I do on your foundation is to honor you and give you a legacy. We don't just honor you on your birthday or anniversary of when you left , we do it every second, minute, hour of everyday ! You were the first to make me a GIGI and my heart grew triple in size the day you were born. Seeing your daddy bringing you out to meet us melted this mama's heart. Seeing my son holding his son was a feeling that is hard to describe but one I will cherish forever. You are perfect and so beautiful . We made the most of those 7 months with you but we wanted a lifetime with you. You were always exploring and so curious at everything. Taking each second in as if you knew what was coming. All I know now is that I'm forever your GIGI and your forever out Mason Jayce. Myself, your papa, your daddy, uncle Steven, aunt Shay Shay, uncle Jeff, Bella and great mawmaw miss you so bad and would give anything to have you here. Your spirit is exploring and swimming the big ocean. Oh the places you'll go, our little sea turtle and our guiding light! Gigi loves you always and forever. Keep sending me signs when I need them and watching over your daddy. He misses you so and needs you always . Your daddy is a tough one but only you know his heart. He doesn't show that to us and he keeps you to himself And stays closed up. One day he will forgive himself for not being there that day to save you , that's a heavy burden but I blame myself as well. What if's will haunt us all that day. What if I had just took you with me that night before? You reached out to me but I said GIGI will see you again tomorrow and we would have you all weekend. We will have our weekends as we always did, but that never came to be. You were gone the next morning and we never got answers as to why. Only stories and different versions of that morning. One day the truth will rise up and we will all know, but however you spin it now doesn't change the outcome. Regardless you aren't here with us each day our hearts long for you. We do know you would be a spitfire like your daddy, super smart, funny and giving us those expressions and looks. Still exploring and curious as ever. The center of our world and our foundation.

Your Foundation is still going and making a difference. Your name is everywhere and such a sweet name to say...Mason Jayce. The name your daddy picked out just for you. Your spirit guided you and us to one special lady Deb Rowe who helped us to get it up and running.

You knew her soul before we did and so glad you picked her to come into our lives. You saw her spirit in Dahlonega Georgia and said this one is the one and guided her all the way to Anna Maria Island, Florida to your message in a bottle in the ocean. Our hearts are forever grateful for you both.

Happy Birthday baby and we love you so much! Miss you more than the heavens above us, more than earth we live on, more than stars in the skies!

I wish

As September 9th is tomorrow I already feel myself starting to retreat. My body physically feels the weight of this milestone nearing and aches all over. I know I need to let my heart go through the process of these feelings but allowing that is like ripping off a band-aid each time. So here we are at the 3rd year of your loss. I still can’t bring myself to say your death. Im not sure why I can’t speak it. Maybe if I do it somehow becomes really real? If that makes any sense? I know your gone and nothing about these three years makes any sense. So here I am at the third year feeling the same, no peace or answers about that awful day. Some people seem to have moved on and even want to say me starting Mason’s non profit is my way of making money off his death. They really have no clue how much it cost to run a non profit and how much of my very own money I put into it Just to keep it going. I know now that I never will get the correct answers of what happened that morning.

Year three is just one more year of ups and downs, moments passing me by-leaving my heart shattered each time. It wasn’t suppose to be this way. It’s not suppose to be this way. I will always wonder who you would be. What would you look like now. What would your voice sound like. What would your laugh sound like. What would be your favorite color. Your favorite animal. Your favorite food. I will have a lifetime of what if’s. A lifetime of hard and joyful childhood phases. Living without you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Although there are so many beautiful things I’ve created in your memory, nothing will ever make it ok. Nothing will ever take the place of you. I could build the biggest memorial in the world and it would never make my heart ache one bit less. Nothing will ever fill the endless void you left behind. As the years pass, some things remain the same and some things are different. I love you more than life, and I miss your more than words. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, the ache and my love for you will always remain. We are soul-tied forever.

I’m so proud to be your Gigi. So proud, Mason Jayce.

I wish I could see you smile, hear your laugh. I wish I could see your blow out your birthday candles every year. I wish I could ask you want you want every year for your birthday and how you would like to spend your day. I wish I could watch you grow up.

I wish I could.

I wish, I wish I wish.

I invite you to remember Mason Jayce with me. I need to know that you remember he lIved.Share his stories, his memory, his life, his love. If your open to blessing my aching heart even more, I invite you to say his name, Mason Jayce our loud with me. Often And without hesitation. To hear his name is to hear the most beautiful sound there is . May it always be on the top of your tongue like it is on mine. There is no greater gift.

Mason Jayce , Mason Jayce, Mason Jayce.

Forever, I’ll miss you.

Forever, I’ll love you.

Forever, I’ll ache to hold you again.

Gigi forever loves you Mason Jayce.

Been to long

It’s hard to believe it’s been so long since I actually sat down to write. Mason’s blog is so important and is a way for me to vent my feelings. I have struggled so much these last 5 months or so and let my anger, frustration and hurt build up to much. I wish I could say I haven’t wrote because my heart is healing and days are better, BUT that’s not the reason. My heart remains heavy each morning I wake and Mason Jayce isn’t here. That unbelievable greets me and travels with me every second. That pain is so hard to describe.

I have a lot to be thankful for, my husband and my boys. My oldest is in his own place and doing so well. He is one of the top salesmen at T-Mobile and I’m so proud of him. My youngest son, (Mason’s Daddy), is home with us and rebuilding his life the best he can with the biggest hole in his heart. He is working and taking One day at a time. My husband and I will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary next month, so we have so much to look forward to. I have just a hand full of family that have stuck with me and we continue to support each other. A lot showed their true colors but that is ok. Nothing or no one that I lose can compare to the loss of Mason. Nothing can hurt me that much other than the loss of Mason. I Have also gained a lot of friends who I consider more my family than actual family. Denise and her kids, Beth and her family, and Deb,Nicole, Paul and the whole town of Dahlonega Georgia. No hearts bigger than in Dahlonega.

I have learned a new hobby to help finance Mason’s Foundation. Keeping his foundation going takes a lot of my time but it is so worth it. Who knows maybe one day my hobby will grow so big that we will need a place of our own. Working out of my house in Mason’s room right now and call it Simply Mason Designs. We have an Etsy store online, also purchases off of AmazonSmile helps to give back to Mason’s Foundation. We continue each month carrying books to Piedmont Medical for the new babies to encourage literacy and bonding. We are actually getting messages from new parents who have heard of our program and are looking forward to receiving their book and reading the sweet message inside from Mason. I pour my heart and soul into Mason Jayce and making sure his memory stays strong and that his death isn’t what people remember the most. I want them to remember his bright beautiful smile, his laugh, beautiful face and those funny looks he could give, and that his life mattered and he should be here with us making a lifetime of memories, growing, learning, loving, exploring, and giving us hugs and kisses and hearing his sweet voice.

So here we are, continuing to try and move forward. Court date upcoming and maybe we can get answers in his death. Maybe we never will know what happened that early dreadful morning on September 9th. So many stories out there about it , but no matter which is true or what happened or didn’t happen, the end result is the same.. Mason isn’t here and he should be. That’s the ending you can’t change. Getting that phone call that Mason wasn’t breathing, racing to the hospital, waiting to get to see him, not knowing what was happening, getting shuffled by nurses to a big room and just waiting that seemed like forever, to seeing The doctor come in with a gloomy look on his face and hearing him say those awful words. I’m sorry we couldn’t save him and he is gone, and in that moment my world changed forever. I don’t remember much of that day after hearing those words. I remember holding him back in the hospital room for one last time. Kissing him and telling him Gigi loves him always and forever. He looked as if he was just sleeping and Knew he was safe in his Gigi’s arms. He knew he was loved more than anything by his GigI , papa and his daddy. I kept praying as I was holding him to please wake up. I didn’t want to let go of him. How could I let go of my heart and soul in that room? That pain is one I never wish on anyone. My soul will always feel heavy, and I know now that in that room I didn’t let go ... I still carry you in my arms, my heart, my mind, my memories, my dreams and in every second of my life. Everywhere in my home I see you, your room has become my safe haven. You are in every book I buy, write in and give away, everything we make and design, YOU are in everything! Mason Jayce Foundation and Simply Mason Designs are YOU and only YOU. Every donation, every purchase goes back to YOU and your cause. ❤️🐢😇

I will get back to writing more as it is a good outlet for me. Some may grow tired of hearing about Mason Jayce , some people may stop talking about him and just move on as if he didn’t even exist, but I will always be here shouting his name Mason Jayce and promoting his foundation, and overloading his social media with news and updates. Most importantly honoring him and his memory, and giving him the legacy and justice he deserves.

Gigi loves you , Gigi loves you, Gigi loves you always my sweet explorer and sea turtle Mason Jayce. Swim safe and explore far.🐢❤️