I begin my second holiday season without Mason. Can’t believe I even made it through the first one. All our first holidays without him are behind us as so many people keep telling me. Don’t they realize it doesn’t matter whether first or hundred without him, the hurt is still as bad. He didn’t make it to his first thanksgiving or Christmas. I know this year he would be running around into everything. He would want everything he saw, and he would get it all too😀 I know he wouldn’t have been scared of Santa Claus and maybe would have pulled his beard.
With his foundation we are sponsoring families at Pilgrims Inn. One little boy we have is just known to us at T.D. and he is 2 years old. Just two months older than Mason. I have his list of things he likes and sizes. My heart is happy but at the same time so broken hearted too. I see things on his list that Mason would have loved too. He wants cars, trucks and loves books. So as my husband and I go shopping for him , my heart is just broken and also excited. I picture myself actually shopping for Mason and caught myself so many times saying Mason would love this! Picking out the clothes and imaging Mason wearing them. Just for a moment , I thought maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Why torture myself this way. Christmas shopping is suppose to be fun, exciting and blissful right? My husband was so helpful and picking out things but I saw the hurt in his eyes too. How could I have only thought of myself and my hurt..this was hard on him too. We helped each other and got through that shopping trip. It felt good to help other families and kept telling ourselves this is all for them. I wish we could see the families eyes on Christmas morning.
The rest of the evening I kept thinking how selfish of me to only see my hurt this last year. I didn’t just lose Mason, he did also. I kept putting my hurt and my sons hurt over mason before anything. What a strong husband I have and so thankful he loves me. We feel this unbearable pain everyday and are in this together.
How we make it through this holiday season is yet to been seen, but I know we will do it together. He is just as excited about Mason’s foundation as I am. I know this foundation will grow beyond our hopes and dreams, because Mason is guiding us each and every step.
Papa and Gigi love you so much! We love you, we love , we love you . Shine bright our little guiding star, swim safe our little sea turtle and explore big and far our little explorer. Catch you in my dreams❤️🐢