My New Normal

September 9, 2016 was the day my life as I knew it was gone forever. I have struggled trying to get back to before that dreadful day happened. I know I can't go back and have accepted this new normal of my so called life. I read a article a few months back and it explained how my new normal would be. Not sure who wrote the article and I added a little to it. So here it goes.....

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your life. Normal is trying to decide of how to honor Mason's memory on their birthday and holidays and to even make it through those days. Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Mason loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it. Normal is having people afraid to mention his name or feeling uncomfortable when I talk about him.

Normal is after the funeral was over that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to live with our loss forever. Normal is seeing other families who are "whole" and thinking of how lucky they are. Realizing that our family chain is broken forever. Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving continues. Normal is trying to patiently and lovingly listen to people share the stresses of their daily lives and trying to understand how difficult life must be for them. This is especially hard when they're complaining about their kids. Having to bury Mason and say goodbye to him was a complete nightmare that you never wake up from. Normal is realizing that you will still cry. Normal is not wanting to hear that Mason is in a better place because although I know he is in heaven, I will never understand why our sweet, happy, beautiful healthy baby was taken from this earth at only 7 months old. Normal is struggling to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or when supper will be. Normal is asking God every single day why he took Mason. Normal is knowing you will never get over the loss, not a day nor a million years.

Normal is having counselors and doctors agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain, you'll just learn to cope and live with it...and that there is really nothing they can do to help you. Normal is panicking when you call or text your spouse, child, parents or any other loved one and they don't respond right away. Normal is wondering which one of your family is next and when. Normal is fighting anxiety. Normal is learning how to respond when people ask how you're doing. And last of all....

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal"

Gigi loves you Mason Jayce, I love y0u, I love you, I love you..

Swim safe my little sea turtle and explore as far as you can.